Warning: This Post Contains Vowels

Warning from the trailer for An Inconvenient Truth:

"Contains images of ecological disaster."

Look out, parents!

Soul

My brother just won my other brother's soul in a game of poker.

I just thought that was worthy of recording.

Blowing Off The Cobwebs

Well, looks like since I last updated I've been to Peru (photo-based shenanigans doubtless coming soon), got my A-level results and stewarded the Secret Garden Party music festival, among other things I can't think of just now, so I should probably start doing some posting and things sometime.

So, you know, maybe I'll do that.

I Honestly Thought Of It Long Before The Weetabix Week

I owe congratulations to Kellogg's. I never really appreciated how solidly honey-tasting Honey Nut Loops were until I tried Weetabix drizzled with honey.

If You Don't Want To Know The Results Of Last Night's Insomnia Cure Challenge, Look Away Now

Boots Sleepeaze Herbal 0 - 1 A mug of cocoa and a Winnie-the-Pooh story

I think we could probably have predicted the winner, really.

110001001011001000000001000000000 Kinds Of People

When I went up to the school library today to use one of the computers (from which you can probably get hold of far more books than you can from the shelves), the person using the machine next to me was using an Excel spreadsheet. There were only two columns to this spreadsheet. In the one on the left were good old-fashioned decimal integers, beloved of so many counting people. And to its right were the same numbers, only in binary. This is the column he was filling in, one by one, and at quite a rate. I don't know how high the numbers went, but by the time I got there, he was rapidly aproaching 500, and from the look of things he was nowhere near finished.

It seems to me that there's very likely an entirely sensible reason for this, but I cannot for the life of me think what it might be. It just goes to show how very odd our activities can seem out of context.

Or that he's a rather odd bloke.

The Card Game Of The Century

It is not often that a new card game rises from utter obscurity to a place in the card-game canon. And, indeed, this is not yet one of those times. But if there is any justice in this world, one is not far away.

I give you What's In Mr Johnson's Wheelie Bin?.

Choose Your Allegiance

There are some battles that are worth fighting.

And there are some battles that cannot but be fought.

The Uncontested Highlight Of Our Trip To Stratford

For more of the important stuff from our holiday, see Chrissy's blog.

Let The Memory Live Again

I am sorry to tell you that my mobile disk died this morning. It had a good innings - my dad had it for a good few years before he passed it onto me (as attested to by its general massiveness), and it survived being put through the washing machine at least once in that time. But all good things, and most rubbish things, must come to an end, and today the plastic casing finally came apart completely and the circuitry within slid clean out, leaving the rather useless little shell you see to the left.

Now, as I looked at my inadvertently-dismantled disk, a few options presented themselves. I could wrap the whole thing up in a cocoon of tape, and, in fact, I nearly did. If we had any proper bodge-job looking duct tape, this post would have ended here. But thankfully, we only had parcel tape, Sellotape and insulation tape, none of which would really have given it the right aesthetic.

While searching for some decent tape, however, I did find an unused box of plasters and some bandages. That had to look good, surely? A broken mobile disk, held together with medical supplies like a real boy? But it seemed a bit silly and wasteful, and besides, plasters are rubbish and don't stick to anything.

Andrew, helpful as ever, suggested wrapping it up in Sellotape and leaving it at that. It would have looked interesting, certainly, but considering that it has all my important work on it I thought I could use something more substantial. So we decided to do the sensible thing and install it in another object.

But what?

A matchbox? Too easy. A thimble? Too small. A miniature box of Celebrations? Too bloody stupid.

And then I saw the light. Because, nestled away in the summerhouse, we had a big cardboard box of old videogame paraphenalia, and among it was a long-knackered NES controller. It was small. It was mostly hollow. It had a little hole to run a USB cable out of.

It was perfect.

And so, I assembled an Elite Crack Super Team.


Sort of.

Now, as I'm sure you're aware, the first thing to do when you embark on a project like this is to take everything apart into as many pieces of possible and generally make a great big mess.

Here, you'll observe the dismantled controller, the dismantled mobile disk, the screwdriver we took the pad, the USB extension cable (kindly donated/sold by Paul), the little knife we used to cut off some bits of plastic that got in the way, and some little bits of plastic that got in the way. You'll also observe, though they are rather less important, a placemat, a table, a chair, another chair, part of yesterday's paper, the set that we took the screwdriver from, and a refill pad (which we did actually use, as a source of card to brace the buttons, having taken out the printed circuit board that used to hold them in place).

With a bit of fiddling about, we came up with a basic arrangement that we thought ought to work.

It's really rather cunningly organised. I think Paul came up with it, with a little tweaking from the rest of the Elite Crack Super Team. Note how the disk also braces the D-pad so that it can be pressed convincingly.

Now, all that remained was to put it all together so that the back would actually go on. Which was an absolute bastard, because the mobile disk was unnecessarily huge, the end of the USB cable was unnecessarily huge, and the screw-posts had been positioned (in a remarkably forward-thinking move) so that they would obstruct anyone who attempted to convert the pad into a mobile disk. But we battled, and we battled, and we went and fetched a pair of garden secateurs to trim some bits we couldn't get to with the knife, and finally, triumphantly, we screwed the thing back together.



Truly, a thing of beauty.

It Is Soluble In Water

Overheard while going out into the rain from my school's rather excellent show last night:

"It'd better not rain on my head."

At Least Her Team Would Have Won The Spin Off Show, "Pissing Alan Sugar's Money Up The Wall"

What follows is an exchange between one of the people on The Apprentice and a customer at their pizza marquee.

--------------------

CONTESTANT: That's nine pounds change.
CUSTOMER: Er... eleven pounds.
CONTESTANT: What?
CUSTOMER: It should be eleven pounds.
CONTESTANT: Oh, right.

CONTESTANT fiddles in the till for a while.

CONTESTANT: Right, so I gave you six...
CUSTOMER: No, you gave me nine.
CONTESTANT: Oh, right, sorry.

A moment's pause.

CONTESTANT: So that's three pounds change, then.

--------------------

The contestant in question also chose to sell pizza that had cost over four pounds to produce for three pounds.

She also has a degree in economics.

From Cambridge.

It's cute how The Apprentice thinks people watch it for Serious Business Reasons when really we watch it for the same reasons that we watch The Weakest Link.

The Device Extracts Your Dental Soul

The appointments I've had to sort out my knackered tooth have all been just a little strange, principally because the dentist I've been going to (selected on the very sensible basis that he was the only one who would fix my tooth at the time) likes to have the radio on while he works and discuss whatever's on, at length, with his assistant. As a result, I spend my appointments being drilled not only in the teeth, but also in the belief that BBC radio ought to be able to avoid playing rubbish pop music because it's publicly funded so it doesn't need the listeners to keep afloat.

Apparently Lou Reed is touring.

Anyway, as I say, they've all been a little strange. But today's was the oddest yet. Now, I would just like to make perfectly clear that he's an excellent dentist, me tooth is fully fixed up, and there was no pain any time in my treatment. But my God, it wasn't what I was expecting.

First they numbed me up a little, though apparently I didn't really need it because they'd already drilled the nerve out. Now, what I didn't realise is that the stuff they inject into you has adrenaline in it, and sometimes it hits you with, well, an adrenaline rush. I have never, ever had a mysterious adrenaline rush before while lying comfortably in a pleasant chair listening to the radio, and to be honest I can live without it happening again.

After that, everything was sensible for a while. They drilled me with drills, they X-rayed me with X-rays, and they poked me with those little metal things I have to assume are called pokes.

And then something giant got screwed into my tooth.

I don't know for a moment what it was, but I do know that it felt like it wasn't coming out without taking the whole of my lower jaw with it. Quite what it was for I have no idea - it just seemed to sit there throughout the whole affair and then unscrewed and removed.

Anyway, I could cope with the giant tooth-screw. It was weird, certainly, but nothing to concern me. And then I saw a cigarette lighter spark up in my peripheral vision, and within a few seconds there was smoke rising from my mouth. I had hoped to get through my days without anything causing my teeth to smoke, but it seems that it was not to be.

Once my teeth were (I assume) thoroughly branded with the practice's name, they got out The Device. The Device was shaped like a tiny orange hairdryer with a long, thin, angled nozzle, and was pointed at length at my tooth. Sometimes it nudged into it, and made a little buzzing noise. What was it for? I haven't the slightest idea. But it was very impressive.

When all was done, they took one last X-ray. As I tried to remove the little slug of film from next to my teeth, it slipped out of my fingers and I nearly choked myself to death on it.

Lent? What Lent?

I just tried a pancake drizzled in honey.

Life may never be the same again.

If You Can Hear It Over The Hoover

Just advertised on UKTV Gold: Housework Songs, a two-disc compilation of music "to make housework fun!"

I don't think I even need to make a sarcastic comment about this one.

Some Say The Meadowfish, She's Just A Myth

Well, you know how the saying goes. If you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. And if you've got nothing at all to say, show a picture of a ridiculous sign.

The Woe Of Doors

In my school, there is a room called the Sixth Form Silent Study Area, the purpose of which I won't insult you by explaining. Of course, it's never actually silent, because the common rooms are far too small to fit everyone in so pockets of people use it as an extension, but it's nonetheless the best place to go if you want to get a bit of work done. And it's where I went this morning, wanting to get a bit of work done.

Now, the doors on this room are a bit dogdy. One of them skitters awkwardly along the floor when moved, and neither closes properly with anything apporaching ease. So I wasn't surprised when attempting to close the door I came through left it just slightly ajar. I was surprised, however, to find that every time I tried to shut it properly, it popped back and needed another good, hard shove to get it back into place. After about four attempts, I gave up and went off to one of the desks.

As I did so, a fairly annoyed-looking girl entered the room. She didn't look, in all honesty, like she was quite in a relaxed enough state of mind to work effectively. But I suppose that was fair enough. After all, some arsehole had been holding the door shut on her while she was trying to get in.

Dull Kitchen Equipment Story Of The Day

Well, a few days ago I was toasting a bap to make myself an eggoon, and after about thirty seconds, much to my consternation, the room was momentarily lit up by a bright spark flying out of one of the slots. This worried me a little, so I took my bread out and did it under the grill instead.

Today, I was making an eggoon, and, not thinking for a moment of the spark event, stuck a bap in the toaster and set about frying the egg. For once, it seemed that I had got my timing right, and it was with tremendous satisfaction that I saw the toaster pop up just as my egg was on the final straight to perfection.

It was with rather less satisfaction that I saw that the bap was no warmer, browner or crisper than it was when it went in.

When I noticed the curl of foul-smelling smoke rising from the toaster, I would go so far as to say I took no satisfaction from it all.

I suspect that my toaster may be broken.

Best Used With New Gillette Ebola

According to a 1920s advert reproduced in an A-level English Language exam paper:

"Deadly Anthrax, present in so many foreign Shaving Brushes, can never be found in the all-British "Culmak", - says eminent Bacteriologist."

I worry that, should this paper fall into the wrong hands, we may have a horrific biological terrorist attack on our hands. Or, more accurately, our faces.

Thank Goodness For The Saurus Thesaurus

I spent an hour and a half today racking my brains trying to remember the word "manifold". If it hadn't been for the Collins Thesaurus I would definitely have failed my Maths Exam because of that accursed niggling.

Hurrah for thesauruses!

9.00pm - Richard Dawkins in: Commando

This week, there has been a whale in the Thames, a piece in New Scientist written by Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a comprehensible comic in the Metro's "This Life".

I think I may have broken through into a parallel universe.

They Also Sell Soup

It has been entire weeks since I last visited the Italian Wrap Van.

I fear I may be exhibiting severe withdrawal symptoms before long.

Ah, the Italian Wrap Van.

Variations On A Theme

Announcing the First Official Variation of The Seven Of Diamonds Gets You Stabbed In The Eye.

The variation is known as Tavistock Yard. Its rules are remarkably similar to the common trick-winning game Hearts, only whoever takes the seven of diamonds gets stabbed in the eye.

From all of us here at The World Is Lovely: have fun playing!

And Now, I Will Bring Them Down From The Inside

I got into Cambridge!

The fools!