The Device Extracts Your Dental Soul

The appointments I've had to sort out my knackered tooth have all been just a little strange, principally because the dentist I've been going to (selected on the very sensible basis that he was the only one who would fix my tooth at the time) likes to have the radio on while he works and discuss whatever's on, at length, with his assistant. As a result, I spend my appointments being drilled not only in the teeth, but also in the belief that BBC radio ought to be able to avoid playing rubbish pop music because it's publicly funded so it doesn't need the listeners to keep afloat.

Apparently Lou Reed is touring.

Anyway, as I say, they've all been a little strange. But today's was the oddest yet. Now, I would just like to make perfectly clear that he's an excellent dentist, me tooth is fully fixed up, and there was no pain any time in my treatment. But my God, it wasn't what I was expecting.

First they numbed me up a little, though apparently I didn't really need it because they'd already drilled the nerve out. Now, what I didn't realise is that the stuff they inject into you has adrenaline in it, and sometimes it hits you with, well, an adrenaline rush. I have never, ever had a mysterious adrenaline rush before while lying comfortably in a pleasant chair listening to the radio, and to be honest I can live without it happening again.

After that, everything was sensible for a while. They drilled me with drills, they X-rayed me with X-rays, and they poked me with those little metal things I have to assume are called pokes.

And then something giant got screwed into my tooth.

I don't know for a moment what it was, but I do know that it felt like it wasn't coming out without taking the whole of my lower jaw with it. Quite what it was for I have no idea - it just seemed to sit there throughout the whole affair and then unscrewed and removed.

Anyway, I could cope with the giant tooth-screw. It was weird, certainly, but nothing to concern me. And then I saw a cigarette lighter spark up in my peripheral vision, and within a few seconds there was smoke rising from my mouth. I had hoped to get through my days without anything causing my teeth to smoke, but it seems that it was not to be.

Once my teeth were (I assume) thoroughly branded with the practice's name, they got out The Device. The Device was shaped like a tiny orange hairdryer with a long, thin, angled nozzle, and was pointed at length at my tooth. Sometimes it nudged into it, and made a little buzzing noise. What was it for? I haven't the slightest idea. But it was very impressive.

When all was done, they took one last X-ray. As I tried to remove the little slug of film from next to my teeth, it slipped out of my fingers and I nearly choked myself to death on it.